Managing Loneliness
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Part 1
Certainly traumatic and tragic events such as loss of loved ones, financial loss, and health issues are extremely challenging. However, some people manage to move through these events with equanimity, while others remain stuck in fear, anxiety, and depression. The difference is in how people handle deeply painful feelings.
There are two core feelings that most people will do almost anything to avoid feeling: Loneliness and Helplessness.
Loneliness is an intense empty, sad, sinking or burning feeling within. This feeling can be triggered by four different situations:
1) Loss of a loved one.
2) Not having a partner, family or friends with whom to share time and love.
3) Being around others but being closed off to them.
4) Being around others when they are closed off to you.
Other than a traumatic loss, the latter is often the most challenging in everyday life, and this can occur throughout the day. For example, you walk into work happy and open. You greet your friend, and he or she barely responds to you. If you are truly open to your own feelings, you will feel a stab of loneliness. Yet most people are so closed off to this feeling that they immediately attempt to avoid the feeling with some kind of addictive behavior. They might grab a donut while shaming or blaming - telling themselves that they must have done something wrong or that their friend is a jerk. These addictive behaviors are geared to protect against feeling the pain of the loneliness. And they work for the moment to appease the feeling, but the feeling doesn't actually go away. It just goes deeper within and may eventually cause physical symptoms, such as back pain or some form of illness.
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
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Part 1
Certainly traumatic and tragic events such as loss of loved ones, financial loss, and health issues are extremely challenging. However, some people manage to move through these events with equanimity, while others remain stuck in fear, anxiety, and depression. The difference is in how people handle deeply painful feelings.
There are two core feelings that most people will do almost anything to avoid feeling: Loneliness and Helplessness.
Loneliness is an intense empty, sad, sinking or burning feeling within. This feeling can be triggered by four different situations:
1) Loss of a loved one.
2) Not having a partner, family or friends with whom to share time and love.
3) Being around others but being closed off to them.
4) Being around others when they are closed off to you.
Other than a traumatic loss, the latter is often the most challenging in everyday life, and this can occur throughout the day. For example, you walk into work happy and open. You greet your friend, and he or she barely responds to you. If you are truly open to your own feelings, you will feel a stab of loneliness. Yet most people are so closed off to this feeling that they immediately attempt to avoid the feeling with some kind of addictive behavior. They might grab a donut while shaming or blaming - telling themselves that they must have done something wrong or that their friend is a jerk. These addictive behaviors are geared to protect against feeling the pain of the loneliness. And they work for the moment to appease the feeling, but the feeling doesn't actually go away. It just goes deeper within and may eventually cause physical symptoms, such as back pain or some form of illness.
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
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